Story | Elapse of Time

I used to love a girl very much. I would make her rice crispies squares with chocolate chips on top. I would leave her love notes cut out from trace paper in heart shapes. I would grab coffee for her just so she can focus on her work. I would do anything for her just to make her happy.

Yet today I yelled at her for no reason. At least not something from her.
I've expressed anger, which I got from others, on her.

She will hate me forever.

Do I not love her anymore?

This will disturb me forever.

F*ck this stupid incident that made me go abnormal and crazy. I hate you.

Please love me back, even as a friend. Please, please, please.

I'm sorry.


2009/10/28

Story | Chocolates

When I see a cute butch girl crying and being emotional, my heart would dissolve. Melt like a softie. You know, those soft-centered chocolates. Yes, chocolates. I am a chocolate truffle. It is bitter on the outside pretending I am all strong and things, but really that is simple an exterior. Inside is just very very tender and delicate.

Where is my peanut butter cup?


2009/10/11

Story | Unconsciousness of Being Conscious

This is very weird. When I was with you, I felt the world belonged only to the two of us. I thought we were all typical people living on this planet. No taboo, no bullshit, no nothing, no what-so-ever.

But, I have realized now I no longer think this way. I'm very conscious of the relationship and interaction among us two. I'm wondering if I can even rewind back to the stage where I'm still a naive child, being free and bondage-less.

Is it because of our current location?
Is it because of your background and culture?
Is it because I grew and tried to constraint myself?
Is it because I started to apply what I've learn since birth?
Is it because my updated experiences had modified me?

Help. Save me.


2009/10/11

Story | Maybes and Buts

Maybe I've become more and more picky.
Maybe I've slowly developed to be even more ignorant over the past 200 days.
Maybe I'm having PMS.
Maybe I'm just jealous of your wonderful relationship you have with your significant other.
Maybe I've transformed into a selfish person.
Maybe I'm just in my defense mode.
Maybe I simply want to piss you off and see you have a worse life.
Maybe I'm not emotionally stable.

But I can't control the weird humming that I made unconsciously when I listen to music.
But I can't try to walk like a cat with not sound because I've legs that are different in length.
But I can't not have some personal time for myself rather than always in a hub of people.
But I can't change in instant to become less stubborn.

Am I just making excuses?

Probably.

Yay?

Sorry.


2009/10/05

Story | October Madness

What had happened to me? Why am I the only one left with all stuff to deal with? Why am I not able to deal with this? I’m very disappointed at myself. Why am I the excluded one, the weird one, the stubborn, the loner? I mean I don’t mind being by myself, but why do people have to judge my decisions? Why can’t they just ignore me and go on with their life? I felt like I’m dragging everyone down. I don’t want to be cared by anyone. I rather have my own life and stay in my little bubble. Why do they have to take my precious tiny little timeslot for self-reflection away? Why why why? Now I don’t even know how to deal with myself, but to get stress and burst into tears. I’m frustrated. Can’t they just ignore my weirdness and let go of me? Being too nice isn’t really helping me. It just stresses me out even more. Just go away. Please. It’s very very frustrating when nothing goes well in your life. But surprisingly it’s not related to school at all. That’s the odd thing. I guess it’s the accumulation of everything else. The future, humming noise coming from nowhere, money, christmas, the refusal to follow the majority and hence affecting the happiness of others, and everything is crashing me down. I actually feel more stress and frustrated then half a year ago. Why? Is one month the limit for loving others? Am I going to be the out caster for the rest of my life? How do people deal with this? Like how do you maintain your own believes and identity without compromising your status as a co-operative member within the community? Do you just have to lose yourself sometimes? Or do you just go with what others want you to be? How do you find a balance between the two, if what you believe in is in fact going against the majority?

Remember ignoring me is actually helping. It doesn’t help if you try to cure me. I’m meant to be an alien. So stop the conversion.


2009/10/04