Am I contradicting myself?

Recently while I was waiting for the bus, or in fact traveling on the bus, I’ve been thinking if fashion is really something that others use to define, interpret, and understand an individual. Is fashion a way for us to represent, express our inner desires? Or is it solely existed for the function of protection?

A few days ago, I was complaining on the phone with my mom that I really really want to cut my hair because of the super hot temperature in Shanghai (and Hong Kong). Her reply was, “aren’t you afraid others would call you a tomboy or mistaken you as a man?” Cough cough mother. If we are going with the stereotype images, there’s no way ever I’ll be more butch looking than you do. (refer to this for more description of my mom) Anyhow, I responded her it doesn’t matter how others take you, as long as you are comfortable with it. Then she changed the conversation topic to having short hair needs continuous maintenance and stuff. But after that phone call I’m wondering - so how you look is equal to what you are? In many ways this is true. One of my gay guy friends dressed himself in extremely flamboyant colours after he came out to others. There is also me, who substantially decided to cut my long hair (which I had over 8+ years) short and dyke up my wardrobe after I’ve confirmed my feelings for girls and want to attract other lesbians. And for non-LGBT related examples, there’s my good friend who is a bit sloppy and very casual – she really goes with wrinkled (in a bad way) clothes and hence non-polished looks even at job interviews (which doesn’t do her any good). I guess maybe after all, it is human nature to judge people by the way they look (and how they carry themselves). Fashion just happens to be one of the means.

And the big question of the day - if I cut my medium-length hair shorter, will you think that I’m a lesbian-loving lezzie?

Thanks for f*cking up my gaydar!

Seriously, I want to thank you for screwing up my gaydar – V, F, S, and Mom. Did you know I’m trying really hard to identify gay girls? It is already difficult enough already, as there are so much ignorance in me. Why, why, why do you have to be so androgynous that made me confuse and question about your sexuality (and dreaming possibly a LTR)? Okay, I should stop complaining. Let me describe all the people that I want to thank you.

V is my high school friend. At first I thought she is into girls, as she dresses very andro. Her favourite idol is a Hong Kong singer who rumours to be gay, sings lots of songs containing same-sex relationship lyrics, and dresses very very very androgynously relative to the rest of the entertainment business in East Asia. Anyhow, my guestimate is wrong after all – my friend V is quite happy with her current boyfriend, and they are together for over 6 months now. BUT she still refuses to wear dresses, cuts short hair, dresses so gay that lezzies would not believe that she’s straight.

Next person to talk about is F. I wasn’t really close with her before, just a causal friend/classmate from school. She wasn’t that attractive before anyway – long hair in a pony tail (ding ding ding, GAY!), dresses in track suits and sweaters and running shoes. Just a normal sporty gal. However, the past weekend she came to Shanghai to give herself a retreat and to visit me. Guess what… I can FEEL that people thought we were a lesbian couple, more on the shy side as we weren’t holding hands. Thanks, I mean really. I know I’m interested in girls, but I’m not exactly ready to be seen in a gay relationship (but then again, even if it’s a guy, and I fit the social norm, I still won’t be ready to be seen as one half of a “couple”). It is possible that I’m being over sensitive, but I felt like suddenly I become a little femme girl, and being taken care of by her. Argh. Not exactly what I expected. One more thing, as we were lying on the bed one night (yes, she was staying with me for the weekend), I asked her if any girls ever interested in her. Her reply was “yes, but I don’t think bisexuality works/exists.” Hmm… so you are saying you are totally straight (because she’s a devoted Christian), or totally gay (which is not surprising, really, but she is definitely in denial in the current mode)? I will wait for you and see if you actually f*cked up my gaydar or not. You know... I love to proof myself/my instinct is right.

S is one of my co-workers in Shanghai. She has short butchy hair, a cute slim body, around her late 30s. Perfect candidate as an eye candy at work. I even became so bold that I shake hands with her when I got to help her team for a bit, being so confident and blah (usually I just knob and smile at others when I get casually introduced here in China, as hand shaking is just a bit too formal and too much contact). BUT this attractive woman is married and a mom to a 6-year-old girl. There comes my broken gaydar. But again, my instinct might be right - it's just the Chinese society put too much pressure on women who doesn't get married after 25.

Last but not least is my own mother. I used to think that she’s just like being plain and earthy and natural and all the possibly words you can find to describe “don’t care about looks.” Yet after I started to drop my ignorance on homosexuality, suddenly my mom becomes a butch in my eyes. Short spiky hair, collar shirts 99% of the time (which she said they flatten out her chubby body), super independent, and endless list of stereotypical butch qualities. I guess my dad is more the dependent one, hence my mom has to contain certain feature in order to balance the relationship. (By the way, my mom is the one right in the middle with the black leather backpack that she owns/uses for over 10+ years.)

Yet again, I might be forcing a stereotype on people basing on their fashion choices, directly falling into the stereotyping/labeling trap. Or maybe I’m just trying too hard on my gaydar up to a point where it just goes wrong and starts to offend others. What do you think?