Step Beyond and Open the Door

Nothing matters anymore. Just focus on your dream, and your goals. Other things will eventually either resolve themselves, or they are really not that important.

Free yourself from those haunted memories. Walk yourself out of the box, closet, darkness, or whatever that is holding you back. Dismantle that boundary others and society force you to stay within. If you do not face it directly, it will continue to stress you until you are pieces apart.

Story | The Dacian Bracelets

I was just revisiting a story I wrote a year ago.
I transformed it into reality.

Still couldn't believe I actually did it.
It was like I made up the entire story, a long series of fantasy.

I went to the city you grew up in.
In the cold cold weather, seeing my first snow of the year.

I visited the palace that has millions and trillions on rooms.
Looked out from the balcony to fly through the boulevard
down to the union square.

I briefly skimmed
through the exhibition on 20 years after the fall of communism.
Conflicting myself
with my own family roots and history
that was kept quiet on purpose.

I wondered through the garden park
that you used to play around inwhen you were small.
And I saw the beautiful sunset
with those dark silhouettes of winter trees.

There was also this tiny church with twisted columns.
The city of the cross, the precious gem which was left undisturbed.

And much more...

Everything was like a dream.


2010/02/13

Mood Boost: Butch It Up

I wonder if I am the only one doing this. I know I'm probably not politically correct, but I felt good doing so, so I apologize in advance if I offended anyone.

I found it weird that I always felt like dressing more boyish whenever I feel down or vulnerable about myself. When I appear more androgynous and boyish, the more I feel safe and secure in a literal and emotional way. Literally, I could avoid the uncomfortable glares from others who objectified females, plus of course the perverted old men, by hiding my body. Emotionally... I felt I'm in control, rather than letting others to hurt me.

This is what I don't get. Am I brainwashed by he patriarchal idea of men being the one in power, and women being the dependent one? I'm proud to be a female, yet I couldn't stop comforting and protecting myself by dressing and appearing more guy-ish. Or actually it's okay to boost up your mood, energy, and emotional level by butching yourself up? Maybe this is just an internal thing or obscure belief that runs inside my brain...

Story | Sewage

Down. Down. Down.
With one flush, everything goes traveling through the complicated pipe system and out to the sea.

Only if things are that simple.

I wish of escapeland. I fond of elsewhere where people and things are less complex.


2010/02/07

Where is My Home?

After a full year of being outside where I consider as home for the past ten years, I started to get lost. I cannot stop to wonder where do I actually belong. Home? Home home? Home home home? What?

Until around I was ten, I thought I would belong to the small Asian Tiger city where my parents grew up, also where I had spent my childhood. However years after, I slowly emerged into the local culture of the new city I was forced to move to. Then I thought I could finally take this foreign city as my home.

Nope. I was wrong. Upon the return from my year-long trip of traveling and living elsewhere, I can only identify with certain parts of this city I called home. Everyday I suffer the tourist-ness within myself. This is a very horrible feeling, as I had always hated the sense of disconnection when I was living aboard in the Oriental Pearl. The in-between stage between local and foreign was hard to be understood by others who do not share the exact same background and experience.

Someone please come and help this homeless kid. Spread the love.

Story | Lost

Where does it start, and where does it end?
Or it will just go on forever and ever?

I just want to belong to somewhere.
Anywhere is fine, as long as it treats me decent.

Home. I need a place where I can identify as home.

Love. I want somewhere I can fall in love with.


2010/02/07

Story | Where's the Moon?

There are times in my life where I just have to re-evaluate your decisions. Figuring out if my actions and results are worth while. This might sound capitalist, but it does make sense to stop wasting time on something that would harm myself and/or particular individuals that are involved.

Currently I am scared of what is coming ahead of me. Is this all because my conservatism as I don't put in my full devotion, or perhaps I am not actually ready for the chaos which is unseen-able, indeterminable?

Super confused.


2010/02/07

Story | Films

Everyday when I check my email, I'm forced to view your status update. It is funny to see you acting like the me many years back. The high school me. The emotional yet innocent me. Not that I'm not emotional now, but I learned to be more self-contained and definitely not naive and ignorant thinking as before.

By reading all those short two or three-worded short phrases as your status display, I can tell you are going through some bumps in your relationship. I hope you are experiencing something intense yet interesting.


2010/01/28

From Labels to Possibly Happier Life

I do not want to put a label on you, because it's not nice nor politically correct nor I actually want to categorize you. However I encountered many others who are not happy with their biological sex and their gender and their identity, yet they do not recognize they might be trans rather than gay or lesbian.

From living in Shanghai and browsing through the local forums, I know some people are oppressed from being able to live how they want, and liberating themselves from the wrong body. But of course, people, even participants themselves, are not realizing that they can be happier. At the moment they would simply follow what society wants them to be, living unhappy lives and suppressing their desires.

I have not been to your country, and I can confidentially guesstimate that Korea is not very forward in its LGBT development. I mean, the LGBT history was like blank as a piece of white paper. There are Harisu who seems to succeeded, a gay and a MTF celeb who chose to end their lives (which is really sad), a lesbian tried for the parliament, gay movies here and there, plus a queer cult fest. The rest of people's lives remains untold and unseen, depict the fact that passionated and interesting stories might had happened beneath our eyes.

Now I am wondering if all of this got stirred up because I live in Canada, where LGBT moments are more developed, and I was in a different mind set involving the definitions of being gay and being trans? I really hate to put labels on others, and I believe as long as an individual is happy, one's identity does not matter. Yet... I sincerely want you to be able to live the life you want, rather than placing yourself inside the box, or closet rather.

Quote of the Day

We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.

- Carlos Castaneda

Masculinity and Femininity

Why we can understand a bar spectrum, but not something like a colour-wheel?
Also can't we think of parallels rather than two opposite ends on a scale?

I felt like in this contemporary (heterosexist) world, we are programmed to understand masculinity and femininity as two extreme oppositions. We are also taught the fact that only the merge of masculine and feminine qualities would create balance in the world, blending the Yin and Yang.

But why can't we have things living and expanding in parallel actions? Rather than two bodies sharing the one same scale and tune around it, we should know that each body can have unlimited amount of scales within themselves, or even colour-wheel like palettes?

Quote of the Day

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.

- Jim Morrison

Story | Revenge or Excuses

Is this only another revenge, like the pointless ones which I performed in the past?

Morals are consuming me. I know I should not think about you in metropolitan, you in transfer, and you in memory, while there is another you in far away land. But I cannot stop myself from dividing my concentration on the various, multiple you. I want to be able to intimate to all of you. Yet of course I know I cannot own every piece of you. You belong to the different worlds.

On the other hand, I found a perfectly legal excuse to do this immoral thing. You abandoned me a while back. Why can't I have a little escape tour now?


2009/12/22

Story | Stigma

What do I care the most? I have done unlimited amount of bad things within the past few weeks. Stigma were left forever.

Why why why? What did you do to me? You are like a siren to me, attracting me to spread evilness among the world. I thought and acted out hugely ridiculous things to perform my internal revenge.

Someone save me. I am doing nothing useful but harm to my surrounding. The deep dark tunnel is waiting for me to slide down into. I need to pause or even stop everything before they went out of control, creating huge disasters.

Help.


2009/12/22